Going back to the girl you met;

the one you fell in love with.

She wants to run around,

with planned spontaneity.

Drinking far too much red,

and taking blurry pictures.

She wants to take walks,

to nowhere... to anywhere...

with you.

Some thoughts on my saturday afternoon epiphany

I had a epiphanic thought: I don't want to wake up one day

or have my brain snap to some day, and wish I had done more than I did.

I want to focus on myself enough to really enjoy everything.

I haven't been doing that.

Yes things can get painful this way, but I want to have stories to tell!

I want to have wisdom to impart.

It is going to be fucking hard at times.

I know this.

My heart will be, most likely, metaphorically ripped from my chest and left bleeding on someone's kitchen counter, or pillow case- as it were.

I have to be okay with that.

I want these thoughts to be recorded. So when it does get hard,

I can remember how clearly I saw this in my mind's eye.

I want to treat life like a tasting menu- try everything, don't get too committed to anything, unless you truly love it, and of course, pair with a good wine. :)

a pained heart's afternoon rant

I will the tears not to come,

but they do not listen.

I can't help but feel a vast emptiness within myself.

The cavern of where your love has been.

My heart is breaking,

in front of you, and me, and the world.

I feel as though everyone can see it.

As though it's tattooed on my face.

I feel myself desperately grabbing for something, anything

that could fill me again.

I want it back.

I miss my best friend.

I want weekend adventures, and pictures of you doing silly things.

I want my life back.

you...

I want to feel small in your arms,

and mighty with your support.

I feel as though my world is ending,

and there's nothing I can do but stand by and watch.

It's even harder because I'm the one that did it.

I'm the one who cut the final strings.

I hate myself.

I want so badly to feel whole again.

I don't know who I am without you anymore.

The pain will not stop, and neither will the the tears.

I'm exhausted.

I feel like no one understands.

I'm so tired, I just want this to end; for these feelings to go away and leave me alone.

I miss you.

I love you.

I'm sorry...

I'm so afraid of loosing you.
It would be harder than anything that has ever happened.
I'm only so bold, because I know you're not really gone.
This is so scary: loving someone so much.
You're not guaranteed anything. How do you get over that?
I want a guarantee. I want to know.
After this long I feel like I should, and yet...I don't.
I'm so uneasy.
Everything inside of me is racing around like particles in an accelerator, and I know that any minute now....
I'm going to explode.

unexpected afternoon tears

The fact that I love you so much only makes me hate you more.
My stomach is in knots. You're miles away without love induced indigestion, I'm sure.
My heart hurts, and my mind doesn't even know how to kiss it and make it feel better.
You make me feel small.
Constantly I wonder what gives you this ability.
Fairly average in your demeanor and accomplishments, in many ways you pale in comparison to both myself and others that have come before you, and yet somehow I love you more.
I've let you in, fully.
My heart is a house for you. Furnished with love, and sacrifice, acceptance and forgiveness.
Where is my heart home? When will you build this for me?
I'm not sure how much longer I can wait, for I'm starting to get weathered.
I'm starting to get old.
I want to laugh and love with you. I want to be more than our parents have been. I want to have a love so much built on acceptance that nothing can shake us.
Do you?
Do you think on these things?
I don't want to face a life without you.
I'm pleading you to do these small acts for me.
But if you will not... I cannot stay.
I cannot keep my mind with you, if yours is not keeping it company.
I'm breaking apart, and down, like a crumbling brick wall, and the worst part about it is I'm not even sure if you've noticed.

break me

take from some season
write new lines.
Brink merry muse:
beautiful sorry boy
break me under
your perfect drunk lips.

My eyes love to look into yours
and see what they can find.
They beg me to stay longer,
but I can't always find the time.
My heart begs me to press myself to you
so that she might speak to yours.
She says your heart sings her songs,
and that such fluttering she adores.
My arms beg me to be around you
they say to never let you go.
I tell them we have obligations
but to my resistance they beg "no!".
My tongue begs me to kiss you.
So that she might embrace
the moments she spends dancing
with your tongue, so sweet a taste.
My body is rebelling,
it will not let me be.
It longs, and begs,
and pleads with me,
I cannot suppress,
so hurry home, and kiss me
and lay with my hands caress.