swimming thoughts and feelings do

I feel so lost lately. Stagnant really. I find this ironic, because for the first time in my life, I'm actually out of my small town, and on to bigger and better things, but it's so weird. I feel like I'm in this gigantic sea of people who are all wanting for more, and all striving for it just the same.

I have no idea what's going on with my grades for two of my four classes, which scares the shit out of me. I feel like there's so much I should be doing, but there really isn't. All I can do right now is work on my assignments and study for my tests.

I hate tests, and have a real problem with pointless assignments. I mean what test will tell you that I can use the knowledge of this class in practical, real-life terms. None of them will. I want fervently to be part of a hands on learning environment. I want to sit down and talk to people about the knowledge I've gained as a way of testing it. I want to learn through doing things, and be taught how to do them before being expected to do it for a grade. I'm frustrated. Media Writing is kicking my ass. I feel like they expect us to come with the built in knowledge to do the assignments, and my lab teacher hates my section because we are the last of six she has every Friday. Shitty.

I'm just frustrated with it all I guess. But I will prevail, I always do. Somehow God will give me the strength to get through it.
I think I'm so afraid of failure that I feel pressed not to do everything I can. Then I can always say well I didn't do my best. I need to get away from that.

Outside of school I am completely and utterly frustrated with relationships in general and feel like giving up on relationships of the romantic persuasion all together. It seems like every time I feel like a healthy individual and I allow myself to get involved again, some asshole comes along, and I believe and trust, and get my heart broken.

How can something be so beautiful for a period of time, and then make us so miserable in it's after affects. Is it really better to have loved and lost? And how can we trust people when they tell us things, or express feelings?

I honestly don't think I believe in marriage anymore. My parents are having problems, and my history with romance would prove, along with the knowledge that relationships can get shitty after forty years of marriage, that there are no guarantees.

That's what I really want. SOME FUCKING GUARANTEES. I just want to know that the friends I have will stay my friends, and that when I choose someone to be with, that they will not take that lightly, that they will treasure me, and the time I spend with them. I want a guarantee that when I go home to someone at night they will be truly happy to see me and kiss me, and just hang out. But I'm quickly loosing faith that such situations exist. And if people think they do, maybe they are just living in that beautiful time when you have love smeared in your eyes and you can't see past it to how things might potentially turn out horribly. How that person might some day break your heart.

It's funny too because this isn't necessarily tied to any one specific relationship of mine, but rather the trend of all of them. I don't feel like giving up, but part of me is screaming to. Some part of me is telling me that all relationships end the same, or are the same= a lie, and that monogamy is by far one of the worst ideas that ever landed here.
I just want to pull the car over and ask where we're going.

I miss Amber. I haven't really hung out with her since Monday night=shitty.
She's like my crack. I get high just from being around her. It's amazing. I hope in all that is holy, that my friendship with her never ends.
I want her to be in my life forever. I want her there for all the big things. I want her to have drinks with me when I get my first big job, I want her to be next to me when I go overseas again, I want her to sit next to me at graduation, I want to have parties together, I want her to be there when I perform again, or when I get my first promotion. If I have kids I want her to be there then. Anything and everything that is coming in my life, that is sure to be a big impact, I want her to be there. I can't imagine life without her.

There's so much going on inside of me right now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it's all I can do right now is write, to myself, to anyone who wants to read, to this paper, this computer. It's all I can do to try and sort out my thoughts and feelings, and so here am I, and here will I be.