How Fucking Dare You?

You made me happy
made me scared
get your fingers outta' my hair.
I hate the way I want to be
I hate the way we've been.
I loved the way you looked at me
the days of sleeping in.
But I refuse to be your call girl
at six o'clock a.m.
Go knock on someone else's window
and see if they will let you in.

in a moment many things

If we could live in moments
only the ones we chose
I would choose to smell your pillow on my bed
and to see your smile for the first time.
I would take your picture.
I would laugh at your jokes.
I would watch you gesture grandly
and meet you off the train.
Infatuation, call it what you will
but if I could live in moments;
I would choose yours here with me
and keep my heart there still.

Come hither here at dusk

My room doth smell of sex my love
of blessed evenings be
Come hither here at dusk my love
come here and lay with me.
Speak the speech of longing
of ever more; of we
of feelings; of sensations
of flesh: of giving sweet.

For a fling, a friend, and a downward spiral

I like the way you look at me

with your eyes deep and dark.

I like the way you softly command

and laugh with me.

I think it's cute when you stumble,

and show a little vulnerability.

I think it's hot when you bite your lower lip

in the middle of a story.

I like the way you smoke your cigarettes,

and the funny thing you do with you tongue.

I like the fact that you're so manly

yet at heart you're still so young.

I like it that you can sing along

with all of my cd's.

I like it that you beckon

"come lay with me and read me poetry".

I like the way you take your coffee,

and the haphazard way you drive when you are lost,

I love how you take claim to being "artistic"

and the way your eyes sparkle after dusk.

Another ending

I'm having a really tough night right now.
I just was telling schmoops, how somehow I feel like I'm not good enough some how.
I don't understand.
How can all these jackasses and girls with half a brain have "relationships"?
Supposedly I'm smart, and funny, and talented, and beautiful according to all these people that know me, and yet, somehow I'm not enough.
I don't get it.
What is it?
I don't want to be the "feel sorry for me emo girl" either.
I'm just genuinely wondering what it is about me that isn't enough for these guys.
Maybe I'll never know.
Maybe someday I will.
It's hard to tell now, but I feel like I'll never find anyone that wants me fully.
Plenty of guys (and girls for that matter) want to "be with" me, but no one wants to commit to me. Why?
I have such great passion inside of me.
I feel like for the past year and a half (at least) I've been doing nothing but being repeatedly punched in the heart.
I guess there's not much I can do.
I don't know.
That's the worst part: not knowing. If I only knew I would do something to remedy, but I can't figure it out.
I have nothing left to write right now, so I guess it's just another end.

A failed audition...

All the world's a stage
and this acting heart
chose to perform for you.
In the hope of hearing
thunderous applause
in the form of kisses.
I'll wait in the wings
I'll sit in the dark,
I'll watch and wonder
when we will get to do
our scene together again.

Feelings, flashes, fire, and smoke

Isn't it funny, how things you never thought you would get over,
can so quickly fade into the background?
Things you thought would hurt forever,
can vanish in an instant.
Nothing is final.
No door is closed without an open window.
No feeling is forever, unless you want it to be.
Sometimes we learn by being burned.
Sometimes we don't.
It's taken me a long time...
but I think I'm finally done playing with flames.

I don't feel a thing

I think the worst emotion is numb.
When the tears have all left you,
and you've nothing left to give.
I didn't eat yesterday.
Just couldn't bring myself to do it.
The ball of sadness in my stomach was enough to keep me full.
I drank so much last night.
I made myself sick.
I laughed and took drags of my cigarette
while the cute boy ran his hand on the small of my back,
all the while thinking of the way you used to touch me.
But I just smiled, asked another question, and took another drag.
I played along in the drinking games, and sang along with the songs.
I got sick when I came home.
I couldn't feel how drunk I was.
I think the worst emotion is numb.

Tears of Epic Proportions...Surprised?

I cried a lot that night
more than I had over any guy
in a very long time.
I cried pools of tears
on the same sheets we had slept together on.
I sobbed loudly, at two in the morning
not caring if the neighbors heard.
I woke up this morning,
my brain in a fog, struggling
to remember what had happened,
but the sickening feeling in my stomach,
the kind you only get when someone dies,
or your parents are getting divorced,
told me it was real.
I walked to the living room,
I saw three pictures of you and I laughing
and dancing together
I went to the bathroom and remembered
how good it used to smell after you were done showering,
like my shampoo and your cologne.
I walked back to my bed
the scene of the heartbreak,
and on my way passed my old catholic school uniform
that had ridden around with me in my car for a week,
intending to see you.
I thought this would be easier
in fact it's harder than anything or anyone recently.
I thought I'd be okay, but I'm paralyzed.
I'm crying a lot this morning,
more than I have over anyone
in a very long time.

I think I need to pull over and ask for directions

who would have thought that this is where we'd be?

that our lives, and lies, and truths, and using

would align in this most comely circumstance;

that lust would bow in the presence of frienship

and frienship would lay down it's crown;

that you and I would be here existing

that you and I would cease to be

in seperate entities:

just one.

The candle on my coffee table
went out just as i finished my poem.
i thought it symbolic,
that wafting smoke sacred,
and the wick slowly loosing it's flame
ominous.
I pulled a little more wick through
and lit the flame again.
I sat and watched it burn for a couple of seconds
envious of that flame, dancing in the breeze.
I'm not sure if there is an explenation,
who can share my flame-like dance,
the way I dance 'til I burn out,
then find another
to ember.

mediocrity is not for me

perhaps I'm growing bored
with you, or the ideas
inside my head.
perhaps, this, was
never meant to be,
and perhaps it should now end.
how quickly I do change my mind
just as quickly as you change your sheets
how quick we were to jump in them
and let our cries escape
within the heat.
I sat on your couch this morning,
and read some poetry
I wished that you would read it too,
but you were staring at the screen.
I want to exist,
in the notes we have written,
the looks we have given,
and the kisses we've shared.
I want the smile you wear in bed
to be quantifying, always there.
I didn't glow on the way home,
or buzz on sexed caffeine,
(at least not the way I did before.)

My favorite pink tank top

I found my favorite pink tank top
when I returned home this evening
from my busy day.
It was crumpled on the floor, and wrinkled,
and I looked at it lying there, and it winked at me.
I was taken aback by the wink, and filled with immediate wonder at what it might be trying to tell me.
I picked it up.
I smelled it.
The scent rushed over me, a combination
of my perfume and your shower gel,
of your skin, touching mine;
And it all came rushing back.
I suddenly knew what it had been trying to remind me.
Of the last evening we spent together.
It was trying to remind me, that it had been much happier
lying on the floor of your apartment kitchen,
than it was on my cold bedroom floor.
It was whispering under all life's noises, of my early mornings
and internship hours, and papers to write.
Just waiting for me to root through my piles of clothes,
and find it, so that we could talk about our memories.
I decided it was a girl, and as I smelled her
she recounted details of that night for me.
She reminded me of the way you had slipped her bright pink straps off my shoulders with such ease,
with such affection, while your
mouth took me in, as your time
melted with mine.
She whispered in my ear as I held her to my face
and recounted for me the way she hadn't even made it to your bedroom. That she had been
exposed in the living room
and hastily thrown off on the trip past
your small kitchen.
She stayed quiet as I walked holding her in my hands
from my bedroom to the living room.
She lay next to me on the couch
as I sat, legs tucked under myself
writing this poem.
She lay there, within my sight,
as I got lost in memories of you and I,
and replayed the conversation I had had with
my favorite professor about you
earlier at the little coffee shop uptown.
I found my favorite pink tank top
when I returned home this evening
from my busy day.
It was crumpled on the floor, and wrinkled,
and I looked at it lying there, and it winked at me.

what i have learned from my hardships in the past three months

I'm so glad this semester is coming to a close.
I feel like I'm finally getting acclimated, and now it's over; but that's okay because I'm taking more than a full time schedule for summer which will keep my momentum moving forward.
I'm finally just me here at school again, and even though the adjustment has been hard (harder than I could have imagined) I have a great sense that everything is going to be okay now.
I have learned some pretty hard lessons this semester.
I've learned that I'm not in my small town anymore, and that not every teacher is going to give a shit whether or not I'm doing well in their class (or give me second chances to do so).
I've learned that while making a change can be hard, it's harder when you jump into unstable things like romantic relationships.
I've learned that it is up to me to get involved, it's not going to come to me.
I've learned that it's virtually impossible to work enough hours to pay for everything and balance school, and that in the end, my classes and grades are what is more important.
I've learned that my family is much more supportive than I thought they were.
I've learned that I can depend on my family for things I've grown accustomed to not depending on them for.
I've learned that my parents are amazing in more senses than one, and that I truly appreciate their presence in my life.
I've learned that a really great professor can make or break your semester.
I've learned that I am blessed.
I've learned that you can't always count on the people you thought you could.
I've learned that I can't depend on others for my own happiness.
I've learned that being a college student really does mean being poor...really poor sometimes.
I've learned that I am stronger than I thought in a lot of ways, and weak in ways I never thought I would be.
I've learned that I do have a few friendships that are true, and that I shouldn't ever take advantage of them.
I've learned that people aren't what I think.
I've learned that betraying yourself and your beliefs does not mean keeping the people you betrayed them for in the first place.
I've learned to count more on myself.
I've learned a lot this semester. It's been hard...really really hard...but when I get through all of this, maybe, just maybe, the lessons I've learned (and am sure to learn) will be worth it in the end.

End of Story

Okay I just had the greatest little mini-revelation I think I've ever had on this little sleep:
Why do I never leave guys? Why do I always wait for them to leave me?
For instance, in my very last relationship, he called a "break" of sorts, with no modifiers; no time limit, no real explanation, nothing. And I was miserable for that week or so. Not to mention, it put him in a position of power over me, and our relationship. Gross.
New goal:
If I'm not completely happy within a situation, I'm going to start calling it quits. I've wasted a lot of time waiting for other people to break up with me, and for what? How does that help me?
The answer is: it doesn't, and it's not going to start in the future.
So I'm done. Fini. I'm done being that sap.
Maybe people don't really change without my noticing it, but maybe I just didn't want to see the changes before.
Okay, off to class! But I'm pretty proud of this discovery. It's not often we can pinpoint something like this.
From now on: No problem cutting the ties.
Even when it's not happily ever after.
End of story.

A few of my favorite things

These are a few of my favorite things...:
..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....








The crunch of leaves under my feet in the fall.
Playing outside.
The first snow.
Night walks.
Good Conversation- the kind that goes for hours without notice.
Wearing his clothes when we're chilling out.
Coffee.
Sleepovers. (ps- i don't believe in one gender necessarily, friends are friends, and good times are
good times.)

The way chapstick feels when you put it on completely clean lips. (like in the morning)
Orgasms. --the soul rattling, earth shaking, perfect chemistry kind.
Licorice. (except the black kind)
My Birthday. (week...okay month)
Traveling. (especially European travel.)
Black and White. (in general, but specifically pertaining to pictures)
Photography.
Earl Grey Tea. (with a spot of cream please)
Martinis.
Good-Hearted people.
Mellow Bars and European Pubs.
Exposed Brick Walls.
Outside Cafe Tables.
People watching.

The Greatest of Agreements

I wore those clothes all day that day

of the morning I returned.

I walked down the sidewalk

flaunting my sloppy attire

like a proud sex warrior.

It was movie-esque: that time

the way the moon mixed with the streetlamps

and cast shadows through your apartment window on our skin;

the heat of that late-spring night

awake until dawn,

cries of coerced pleasure floating in the stagnant air,

with cigarettes left to smoke

uncaring, and naked

in all senses of the word.

The greatest of agreements

the honesty unprecedented,

the sweaty sheets beneath me

and the fitfull

beautiful something

of sleeping

with you.

I quit my job today. Just like that. It was a snap decision to do it today, but hardly a snap decision as far as anything else were to be concerned.
I've been wanting to do this for so long. And I was so miserable there. It actually made me physically ill to think about going in, and I had more than one stress attack whilst working there.
I feel so free right now. It's really pretty weird to be honest.
I've never done anything like this before. Just quit.
I've never not had a decisive plan as far as employment goes. I'm kinda happy though.
I feel like the whole world is open to me right now.
Bob Dylan once said "A person is a success if they get up in the morning and get to bed at night, and in between does what he or she wants to do." I couldn't agree more.
Thanks.

I had a pretty great weekend at home.
I missed Amber, but it was good to be home.
I needed a break.
Can't explain it, but going home this time was the best it's ever been.
I got to see my brother today. I love my brother.
And my sister and I were cool all day too.
I appreciate where I am with my family right now.
Plus I got to work at Candlelight. (which was fun on many levels)
And went to a cast party for the Sauk Shakespeare show, which was cool, to be part of another party like that, with those types of people and that kind of setting. (good times)
I got to see Randi, my friend from high school.
There was a cracked out guy who came to the bonfire.
I got no sleep.
I made more money than I have in a while.
I got to have a famous $1.99 margarita.
I met new people.
I had one of my mom's famous family dishes.
I took a walk. I played with mignonne.
I did her hair into a cute little "whale-spout" ponytail.
My sis' gave me a great new coffee mug.
I helped clean.
I drove in the sun with my music too loud, drinking too much coffee, smoking endless strands of cigarettes.
I talked to my best friend.
I got a kiss.
I gave a kiss.
I saw my nieces.
I snuck altoids and ciggies with mon pere.
I went to church.
I sang.
I got a hug.
I gave a hug.
I ate a fried pickle slice.
I asked " did you want some more jan's sauce?".
I spent time with people I love and miss, and cherish.
I got a haircut.
I said the word "fuck" a lot.
I decided on two of my new favorite words. (fillache, and cunt)
I found out that spell check registers the word "cunt". (-;
I missed someone.
I missed more than someone.
I watched ANTM.
I exercised.
I drank coffee.
I ate waffles.
I said the following to an ex-boyfriend: "you're girlfriend should be thanking me next time she sees me, for not fucking you... (then in sarcastic tones) because let me tell ya' you would have been ruined"...wow, that was a fucked up conversation.
I talked on the phone.
I checked my facebook four times...and my email...on other people's computers.
I got a little further over him.
I got a little happier.
I smiled a lot this weekend.

happy thoughts streaming from an acceptance

I found out today that I got an internship here on campus for the summer. I'm pretty pumped! I get to do photography, newsletter writing and editing, press releases, and possibly co-ordinate some major events for the faculty.
Connections will be made I'm pretty sure, and that excites the fuck out of me!
I have to go to work in like ten minutes which totally sucks ass, and then I have to come home and work on this commercial for Media Writing. I'm sure it will fall together but I am totally in need of some quality work time on this thing...aka- there will be NO quality sleep time for me tonight! Yikes!
Oh well, I will be okay, it's not the first time that I'll be running on no sleep, and at least now I have the evening off tomorrow so I will have the chance to chill and sleep and possibly even have a social life outside of a restaurant on a Friday evening...whatever will I do with myself? (:
Well work is sure to be shitty, but I'm almost positive it won't be shitty enough to ruin my mood today. I'm feeling back on top of things now that I have identified some problems in my own psyche and now I just have to work on changing a little. Which is fine. That's what life's about right? Constantly molding and changing into a better version of ourselves??
I like to think so...

this place is poetry

Old and run down
the heart that has written
windows boarded
"no trespassing" reads.
So many secrets held inside
only a few may know.
Rod iron fences
keep out the hurtful
beauty and mystery
The sun sets on your west
a wall of corroding red bricks
grass grows sporadically high
you appeal to me
curiosity and romance
stirred within
these haunted eyes.
I want to go inside.
I want to get lost in you
imagining those that
wrote here before.
The rotten, the wicked, the lonely
the shamed,
the beautiful, the loving
I want to imagine them
and all their impact
I want to lie in your sporadically
growing grass,
and read your secrets.

swimming thoughts and feelings do

I feel so lost lately. Stagnant really. I find this ironic, because for the first time in my life, I'm actually out of my small town, and on to bigger and better things, but it's so weird. I feel like I'm in this gigantic sea of people who are all wanting for more, and all striving for it just the same.

I have no idea what's going on with my grades for two of my four classes, which scares the shit out of me. I feel like there's so much I should be doing, but there really isn't. All I can do right now is work on my assignments and study for my tests.

I hate tests, and have a real problem with pointless assignments. I mean what test will tell you that I can use the knowledge of this class in practical, real-life terms. None of them will. I want fervently to be part of a hands on learning environment. I want to sit down and talk to people about the knowledge I've gained as a way of testing it. I want to learn through doing things, and be taught how to do them before being expected to do it for a grade. I'm frustrated. Media Writing is kicking my ass. I feel like they expect us to come with the built in knowledge to do the assignments, and my lab teacher hates my section because we are the last of six she has every Friday. Shitty.

I'm just frustrated with it all I guess. But I will prevail, I always do. Somehow God will give me the strength to get through it.
I think I'm so afraid of failure that I feel pressed not to do everything I can. Then I can always say well I didn't do my best. I need to get away from that.

Outside of school I am completely and utterly frustrated with relationships in general and feel like giving up on relationships of the romantic persuasion all together. It seems like every time I feel like a healthy individual and I allow myself to get involved again, some asshole comes along, and I believe and trust, and get my heart broken.

How can something be so beautiful for a period of time, and then make us so miserable in it's after affects. Is it really better to have loved and lost? And how can we trust people when they tell us things, or express feelings?

I honestly don't think I believe in marriage anymore. My parents are having problems, and my history with romance would prove, along with the knowledge that relationships can get shitty after forty years of marriage, that there are no guarantees.

That's what I really want. SOME FUCKING GUARANTEES. I just want to know that the friends I have will stay my friends, and that when I choose someone to be with, that they will not take that lightly, that they will treasure me, and the time I spend with them. I want a guarantee that when I go home to someone at night they will be truly happy to see me and kiss me, and just hang out. But I'm quickly loosing faith that such situations exist. And if people think they do, maybe they are just living in that beautiful time when you have love smeared in your eyes and you can't see past it to how things might potentially turn out horribly. How that person might some day break your heart.

It's funny too because this isn't necessarily tied to any one specific relationship of mine, but rather the trend of all of them. I don't feel like giving up, but part of me is screaming to. Some part of me is telling me that all relationships end the same, or are the same= a lie, and that monogamy is by far one of the worst ideas that ever landed here.
I just want to pull the car over and ask where we're going.

I miss Amber. I haven't really hung out with her since Monday night=shitty.
She's like my crack. I get high just from being around her. It's amazing. I hope in all that is holy, that my friendship with her never ends.
I want her to be in my life forever. I want her there for all the big things. I want her to have drinks with me when I get my first big job, I want her to be next to me when I go overseas again, I want her to sit next to me at graduation, I want to have parties together, I want her to be there when I perform again, or when I get my first promotion. If I have kids I want her to be there then. Anything and everything that is coming in my life, that is sure to be a big impact, I want her to be there. I can't imagine life without her.

There's so much going on inside of me right now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it's all I can do right now is write, to myself, to anyone who wants to read, to this paper, this computer. It's all I can do to try and sort out my thoughts and feelings, and so here am I, and here will I be.

Newsletter to myself

I started a personal project yesterday. It's a newsletter to myself. A kind of publication from my heart to my head, so that I may review and grow from it. This is my first entry:

I feel anxious today. It's starting to fade now. I told Amber this morning that I feel like I'm on the verge of something big, but I don't know what it is, and it's driving me nuts that I'm not there yet.

I think it might be the time for a little self discovery, and rebuilding. So that's what this is. THIS HERE: this paper, this marker, this sitting up studying and writing at four in the morning with Amber. This is my newsletter of self discovery, of knowing myself, knowing what's important to me, and what isn't; of knowing what I want; what poetry, what type of people I want to surround myself with; how I take my coffee, and whether that depends on my mood and the tone of the day. It's all going HERE, in this newsletter. To myself. To my friends, my future children (if I get there), to my nieces and nephews, to anyone now, or after me, whom it may help know me (truly know me), or maybe, just maybe, know themselves a little better through me.


THINGS I BELIEVE IN: (to be continued as they dawn on me)
Kiddie Cocktails- always have always will
Friendship as natural as the ones I have with a select few.
Making a wish (especially when candles are involved).
Playing on the boys' team.
Bubble Gum.
My Daddy- I think my dad is truly the most upstanding man of character on the face of this earth.
Being Crazy Enough to make life fun.
A little self-destruction every now and then.
Black and White.
Macaroni and Cheese.